Dire Straights

I'm frustrated. Extremely. I can't express in words the level of my frustration. Those around me can sort of get a feel for it--mostly because it gets projected towards them--however, no one but me actually knows how deep it goes. I'm frustrated for many reasons but mostly, almost exclusively, because I am not getting better. In fact, things are getting worse. Much worse! Throughout the course of this "let's fix the migraines" mission, things have spiraled out of control. My life is almost un-livable and that, my friends, is NOT an exaggeration.

During the first year and a half to two years, my "condition" made what I would consider to be a slow decline. First, my headaches began lasting longer, staying for weeks instead of days. Then I started missing more and more work because I just could not function. It was in August of '08 that I was hospitalized for a 30 day headache. At that point I decided I wasn't going to play this game anymore. I was bound and determined to find the cause of my headaches and put a stop to them.

A few months later, in October of 2008 (almost two years ago!), I took a three month leave of absence from my job and began the investigation. In March of 2009, I spent 10 days in a head pain hospital in Michigan. I left with 15 different daily prescription medications, a hefty credit card bill (thank you insurance for changing your mind 6 days in) and....(sigh)...a headache. Just 6 weeks after returning to work from my hospital stay, I had to admit to myself that I could no longer keep up with my job and my life. Hence the beginning of long term disability .

For the last 4-6 months, it seems that my "condition" has been declining at a much faster rate. I have lost the ability to remember simple things, like the names of people I've known my entire life or streets I've been driving on regularly for the last 9 years. Along with the memory loss has come the inability to focus on any one thing at a time, which makes driving very difficult (and dangerous!) as well as the inability to sit still. I literally move around in bed for a good twenty minutes adjusting the blankets and pillows until I can finally fall asleep! I've also developed a drastically different personality. One that includes constant tears, feelings of rage and thoughts of...well, you know. It's almost guaranteed that at least one day a week will be spent in bed in pain with all scheduled appointments canceled. My close friends and family have also noticed these changes--another indicator that things are not improving.

Let's see if I can recall all the diagnoses and conditions that my doctors have used to describe my current state just in the last month. Chronic daily headaches, transformed migraines, abdominal migraines, fibromyalgia, cervicalgia, irritable bowl syndrome, candida, hiatal hernia, cervical disc herniation and degeneration, oxidative stress, copper poisoning, heavy metal toxicity, alpha-asymmetry, hyper-coherence, depression, anxiety, collagen-vascular inflammatory disease, temperomandibular joint disorder, and a dislocated jaw. I may be missing one or two (or six) but that pretty much sums it up.

So, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated because all my time, energy and money seem to be going down the drain. I'm frustrated that I can't keep commitments. I'm frustrated by the fact that no one has any answers or, more importantly, solutions. I'm frustrated at the person I have become and really don't like. I'm frustrated because I want to do things! I want to go on camping trips and other adventures with my fiance. I want to be able to keep my commitments and not have to worry about if I'm going to need a cool dark room to retreat to. I want to plan my wedding and enjoy it. I want to do the walk of life.