My Cup Runneth Over

Lately I've been very caught up in how horrible I feel physically and how mentally and emotionally draining it is. I hurt on the outside which makes me hurt on the inside (or possibly vice versa) and that seems to be all I can focus on. However, a number of things happened yesterday that allowed me to take a step back from my drama and notice the good things in my life.

My cousin is overseas lending a hand in the war on terror. As far as being involved in a war goes, he has it pretty good. His living situation is comfortable (no sleeping in the sand), he is getting paid well and he's climbing the military ladder for the benefit of his wife and their future children. There is a rather large drawback to this new position, though, and that is that his wife of three and a half years could not move there with him. She can visit, but only for a limited amount of time. Yesterday his wife made a comment on facebook saying she would be able to see her husband in exactly two months. Two months! That's a very long time to be away from the one you love the most. I know they are handling it very well--they are an experienced military couple--but I was sad for her. Sad that she has to wait another two months just to get a hug from her husband. It made me realize how lucky I am. I get to see the man I love everyday and tell him so--in person. I will no longer take that for granted.

There is what I guess is a reality show called "Too Fat For 15." Somehow I managed to catch bits and pieces of two episodes yesterday. Boy, did it humble me. My heart went out to the children and their struggle, not only with their weight but with the shame, humiliation and guilt they have. At 31, I'm 10 pounds heavier than I was when I was 15 and many days that really bothers me. However, I will never again label myself as fat when my jeans are a little too tight because to do so would be an insult to these children who are literally close to death due to their obesity. Despite what I'm going through with my headaches, I'm pretty far away from them actually killing me. I am thankful for what good health I do have.

Although I was raised in the church and continued to attend all through college, I have not been to a church service where I really felt comfortable in a long time, the exception being when I have gone to church back home. All the health “stuff” I’ve been dealing with lately has really made me question my faith. I’ve been looking for something to…lean on, I guess. Several weeks ago, as I was driving to the pharmacy, I passed a Methodist church called “The Gathering.” I noticed they offered 6 pm services and was immediately interested. After checking out the website, I decided to give the church a try. I went by myself the following Sunday and was hooked. I found myself looking forward the next service, then the next. I’ve gone every Sunday since.

They say that for every negative thought, twenty positive thoughts are needed to offset it. I think that holds true for everything; it’s easy to let life get the best of us. Counting your blessings is always a good idea. You will probably find that your list is much longer than you ever thought. I know I did.

Dire Straights

I'm frustrated. Extremely. I can't express in words the level of my frustration. Those around me can sort of get a feel for it--mostly because it gets projected towards them--however, no one but me actually knows how deep it goes. I'm frustrated for many reasons but mostly, almost exclusively, because I am not getting better. In fact, things are getting worse. Much worse! Throughout the course of this "let's fix the migraines" mission, things have spiraled out of control. My life is almost un-livable and that, my friends, is NOT an exaggeration.

During the first year and a half to two years, my "condition" made what I would consider to be a slow decline. First, my headaches began lasting longer, staying for weeks instead of days. Then I started missing more and more work because I just could not function. It was in August of '08 that I was hospitalized for a 30 day headache. At that point I decided I wasn't going to play this game anymore. I was bound and determined to find the cause of my headaches and put a stop to them.

A few months later, in October of 2008 (almost two years ago!), I took a three month leave of absence from my job and began the investigation. In March of 2009, I spent 10 days in a head pain hospital in Michigan. I left with 15 different daily prescription medications, a hefty credit card bill (thank you insurance for changing your mind 6 days in) and....(sigh)...a headache. Just 6 weeks after returning to work from my hospital stay, I had to admit to myself that I could no longer keep up with my job and my life. Hence the beginning of long term disability .

For the last 4-6 months, it seems that my "condition" has been declining at a much faster rate. I have lost the ability to remember simple things, like the names of people I've known my entire life or streets I've been driving on regularly for the last 9 years. Along with the memory loss has come the inability to focus on any one thing at a time, which makes driving very difficult (and dangerous!) as well as the inability to sit still. I literally move around in bed for a good twenty minutes adjusting the blankets and pillows until I can finally fall asleep! I've also developed a drastically different personality. One that includes constant tears, feelings of rage and thoughts of...well, you know. It's almost guaranteed that at least one day a week will be spent in bed in pain with all scheduled appointments canceled. My close friends and family have also noticed these changes--another indicator that things are not improving.

Let's see if I can recall all the diagnoses and conditions that my doctors have used to describe my current state just in the last month. Chronic daily headaches, transformed migraines, abdominal migraines, fibromyalgia, cervicalgia, irritable bowl syndrome, candida, hiatal hernia, cervical disc herniation and degeneration, oxidative stress, copper poisoning, heavy metal toxicity, alpha-asymmetry, hyper-coherence, depression, anxiety, collagen-vascular inflammatory disease, temperomandibular joint disorder, and a dislocated jaw. I may be missing one or two (or six) but that pretty much sums it up.

So, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated because all my time, energy and money seem to be going down the drain. I'm frustrated that I can't keep commitments. I'm frustrated by the fact that no one has any answers or, more importantly, solutions. I'm frustrated at the person I have become and really don't like. I'm frustrated because I want to do things! I want to go on camping trips and other adventures with my fiance. I want to be able to keep my commitments and not have to worry about if I'm going to need a cool dark room to retreat to. I want to plan my wedding and enjoy it. I want to do the walk of life.