Stuck In The Belly

I'll admit, I'm lost. Actually, stuck may be a better way of describing it. I'm in the middle of something, a transition I guess, and I don't really know how to handle it. Yes, I have a lot of great things working in my life: a wonderful fiance and a beautiful wedding coming up, a loving and supportive family, a budding relationship with God, and a slew of other things. When I think of transition, I think of physically going from one place to another--note the word "going." To me, going implies actually moving and ending up somewhere else. While part of that is true, for me, and I think for most people, transition also takes place on the inside. Without losing who we are, we change. I used to think, and I've been wanting to think, that transition happens quickly. I find myself saying all the time "When is this going to be over? When will I be done with this...phase...of my life?" What I've realized is that transition can, and does, take a long time. Usually longer than we would like.

Since I've been unable to work, which is going on almost two years now, I really haven't known what to do with myself. I mean, I did the obvious necessary things like go on long term disability, sell my house, move (twice), go to the doctor, etc. But I haven't figured out what to do besides be sick. I often dwell on the past and wonder how I got to this place in my life. Many times I think to myself that things would be so much better, so much easier, if I had my old job and the income that came with it. I get into a "woe-is-me" train of thought and think that if I felt better and if I could do more things, I wouldn't be such a burden to to others. I'll be honest, this period of transition is very uncomfortable, and not just because I physically don't feel well (although that doesn't help!).

I recently lunched with an old friend from high school. Although she may not know it, this list-loving lady is a role model for me. After a fantastic meal, we engaged in wonderful conversation for several hours even though we literally have not seen each other since we graduated (oddly enough, I have Facebook to thank for reigniting this friendship). Anyway, through our discussion she helped me see that even though things are hard or times are tough, you can and will get through them. I see that she did and that helps me believe that I will, too. So, even though the present is a struggle for me, I have faith that things will get better, that I will not be permanently stuck in the middle, in the belly if you will, but that I will end up on dry land. However, to do so, I must embrace the difficult times, not run from them.

Resolutions

One of my 2011 resolutions is to blog more. As much as I want to be a good, consistent blogger, I'm having trouble figuring out what to talk about. What could possibly be going on in my life that is so interesting that the rest of the world (or even just the handful of people that read my blog) would want to hear about it? Here is where another 2011 resolution comes in: to think better of myself and in general be more positive. With that thought in mind, why wouldn't the world want to know about my life? How is whatever I may be doing any less important or "blog-worthy" than what anyone else is doing?

I've spent the last 7 days in Carlinville at my mom's house. Since our basement in St. Louis is being re-tuckpointed, which is a very loud and dirty process, I decided that the cat and I would take a mini-vacation. Each day this week I engaged in at least one wedding planning activity from arranging tables and chairs at the reception hall to timing steps down the aisle at the courthouse. It has become quite clear just how much there is to do! It has also become quite clear how excited I am not just to get married, but to get married to Jason.

Friday night was dinner out with my mom and brothers followed by drinks uptown. I went to the Anchor where I had a chance to congratulate the new owners on their business adventure. From there, I met up with my youngest brother at another bar. There I had the opportunity to catch up with an old friend and try cherry UV Vodka--both were enjoyable. However, I had another revelation: I can no longer keep up with 26-year-olds nor do I want to! Saturday, while paying dearly for Friday night's activities with a horrible headache, I had my first Skype experience. I attended my cousin-in-law's baby shower which was held via computer since she was snowed in in Massachusetts. Thank goodness for technology!

As I get ready to post this entry to my blog, I have some reservations as I know it is not my best work. Far from it, in fact. But I keep pointing out to myself two things. 1.) that I wrote something which is better than writing nothing even if it's not perfect and 2.) that it is not another depressing account of how bleak my medical situation is. Those types of posts are not to be the norm anymore--another 2011 resolution.