The Best Bad Day Ever

With chronic migraines, there are a lot of bad days. A LOT. This one happened to be on a Tuesday a few weeks ago. As soon as I opened my eyes to get out of bed I was literally…in a mood, and not a good one. The mood took a turn for the worse when I went into the living room and saw socks on the floor and dirty dishes on the end table. The boyfriend, with whom I live, was immediately the target of this unpleasant state. Although he was responsible for the misplaced socks and the left out dishes, he probably didn't deserve the tongue lashing I gave him. I may have over-reacted.

As I went to my appointments and ran my errands, my mood continued to sour. I couldn't seem to get into a “happy” groove. Not one thing in my day was going as I thought it should. And again, the boyfriend was on the receiving end of everything. As he desperately tried to figure out what to do to make me happy, I was cursing the fact that there was nothing he (or anyone) could do. If I didn’t know what I wanted or needed, how was he supposed to? He did not have a migraine-go-away button, nor was he telepathic. All I could communicate to him was that I wanted to be left alone in my misery. I pushed him away.

Eventually, after napping for a bit and getting some food in my belly, I started to come around. Things started to feel…less bad. While we watched our favorite Tuesday night TV show, I found myself creeping closer and closer to him on the couch. By the end of the show we were cuddled together. The boyfriend, being the wonderful man that he is, let me lean on him, and let me off without an apology. He pulled me closer.

Then, an epiphany. I realized that this man still loved me just as much as he had the day before despite the hell I had just put him through. He still wanted to share my days, both good and bad. He knew how hard of a day I had had and he didn’t blame me for taking it out on him. He…understood. I then knew what I wanted, what I needed to make me happy. Him. So I asked him to marry me. And he said yes.

All Mixed Up

Often I feel as though I'm completely lost. Lost in a sea of doctors, paperwork, medicine and tests. I spend my days (and a lot of nights) in a complete fog, trying cook, clean, organize, and even bathe. It's the headache pain, however, that causes the fog, that creates the chaos, that gets me...all mixed up. Do I try to drive to the doctor when I can barely see or cancel and pay the fee? Is it worth my time and energy to try to get the $15 from the doctor's office the insurance company says I'm owed? Should I continue to pay for test after test after test when, at the end of the day, I still have a headache?

I'm lucky to have a strong support group of friends and family. They do as much as they can to help me exist in this mess. Giving me rides to appointments, filling out my disability paperwork, bringing me food when I can't leave the house are just some of the ways I'm helped by those who love me. Sometimes, though, there are things they just don't (and can't) understand. There are times when they are just not available to tend to me. And there are situations that I don't want to burden them with. I fully realize that these wonderful people have lives, too. Lives that shouldn't have to revolve around me. That's were Nick, SA, Tim, Chad and P-Nut come in.

Also known as 311, these five guys are always there when I need them. If I'm feeling down, I know exactly which songs will make me smile. When I'm on a mission to tackle my to-do list, I have the perfect motivational playlist of 311 tunes. To keep me inspired, there are song lyrics posted in all the right places (including a permanent post on my foot). For evenings that are dedicated as "me" time, I have concert DVDs to watch over and over and over again. I love this band and everything they represent: hope, love, unity and happiness. Just thinking of them makes me smile. Best of all, I have unlimited access to them through their music which is always at my fingertips.

I know that life can get tough for everyone. I also know that each one of us has to find our own way to get through those tough times. We all need an outlet, an escape, from whatever may be troubling us. Some people use prayer, others use drugs and alcohol. I use music, specifically 311. It may sound silly, but they really do help me stay positive and love my life.

The Migraine Guilt

I happen to be stuck in a migraine funk right now. This "funk" is a revolving door of pain, sadness, self-pity, depression and guilt. Yes, guilt. Lots of guilt. I know it's not rational but the guilt is overwhelming. I feel guilty for hiding in the dark all day and missing the beautiful weather. I feel guilty for eating a bowl of ice cream for comfort. I feel guilty for breaking plans with friends and family. I feel guilty for something that is beyond my control--not being able to function. And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty!

This migraine (with aura this time) came on around 11 this morning. I immediately took my medicine--it is only effective if taken before the aura is over--then called my uncle to cancel our lunch plans. I found myself apologizing for not being able to meet even though I know he completely understands my situation. I then proceeded to turn off all the lights, close all the blinds and get situated in the recliner with my favorite blanket. Luckily, I was able to fall asleep for about an hour so I missed the bulk of the pain.

I heard my mom come home for lunch and got up to see her sitting on the deck enjoying the sunshine. Back to the dark living room I went, wishing I was able to enjoy the day as she was. A bit later, in an effort to save my evening plans, I took some pain medicine and laid down in the bedroom. There I slept off and on for a couple of hours until my friend called to confirm our plans. As soon as I answered the phone, I could feel the stabbing pain behind my right eye. I was filled with disappointment, both his and mine, for having to cancel. Today is his birthday.

As I think about how today was completely lost, I am filled with frustration. And more guilt. Right now I am bitter that I missed such a nice day, sad that I let down my friend and scared that the headache will still be here tomorrow.

Love and Pain

Love is a funny thing. It's usually uncontrollable, as in you love your parents or your children for the simple fact that they are your kin. Falling in love is the same--you don't decide who you are going to fall in love with, it just happens, at least in my experience. Love is also a great thing. It can bring out the best in people, cause them to do things they may have never done otherwise, and allow them to see and experience life in new ways. I love love.

Pain is a funny thing as well (physical pain, specifically). Like love, it is often uncontrollable. You don't choose to have pain just as you don't choose to fall in love. Pain can sometimes be diminished, managed, even cured. But sometimes it can't. Sometimes no matter how much medicine you take or how much therapy you do, the pain is still there. Eventually, and unfortunately, you learn to live with it. I do not like pain.

When pain and love mix, things become...even funnier. Extreme physical pain can cause the emotional feeling of love to take a backseat. It can turn you into a different person entirely, a person you don't recognize and certainly don't like. As the pain takes over, sometimes it takes every ounce of energy to control the anger and resentment you feel for and because of that pain, the pain that never goes away. These feelings blind you to the point that all you see, hear and breathe is pain and they often get physically directed at the one(s) you love the most. While you know the love you feel is still present, it can be very difficult to find amidst the pain. This is not a good feeling. It’s without question that pain does not feel good but feeling as though you can only feel pain is worse. Trust me.

It pains me (pun intended) to know that when I’m in physical pain, I cause emotional pain to those around me. It pains me more to I know there is little I can do to change it. Sometimes the only remedy is a sincere “I’m sorry.”

The Demon

The Demon never leaves. It controls every aspect of my life down to what I can eat, where I can go, who I can be around. Even when it's not acutely present, it is there, hanging over me, lurking. I know it could (and it often does) rear it's ugly head at any moment. So far, the Demon has cost me my job, my home, and some relationships. It limits where and when I can drive. It affects my vision to the point of not being able to read for more than a few minutes, a passion that I truly miss. It keeps me from making commitments because there is a very good chance that I won't be able to keep them; the Demon could be in full force at the time I'm expected to be somewhere.

Mostly, the Demon tugs at my sanity. Each day is filled with medication, therapy, doctor visits, journal entries and more medication. Some days I am unable to leave the house, or even get off the couch. The times when the Demon is at it's worst, I sometimes question my very existence. Or, to be straight to the point, my possible non-existence.

I am not the only one who the Demon hurts. Loved ones get snapped at due to my overwhelming pain. They become frustrated when their attempts to help are futile. And they are saddened by the realization that I am subject to the Demon's effects at all times. While these loved ones are compassionate and as understanding as possible, they don't really "get it." And I hope they never do because that would require them to personally endure the wrath of the Demon. I would not wish that hell on my worst enemy.

The Demon is ugly. The Demon is unmerciful. The Demon is a migraine headache.