The Demon never leaves. It controls every aspect of my life down to what I can eat, where I can go, who I can be around. Even when it's not acutely present, it is there, hanging over me, lurking. I know it could (and it often does) rear it's ugly head at any moment. So far, the Demon has cost me my job, my home, and some relationships. It limits where and when I can drive. It affects my vision to the point of not being able to read for more than a few minutes, a passion that I truly miss. It keeps me from making commitments because there is a very good chance that I won't be able to keep them; the Demon could be in full force at the time I'm expected to be somewhere.
Mostly, the Demon tugs at my sanity. Each day is filled with medication, therapy, doctor visits, journal entries and more medication. Some days I am unable to leave the house, or even get off the couch. The times when the Demon is at it's worst, I sometimes question my very existence. Or, to be straight to the point, my possible non-existence.
I am not the only one who the Demon hurts. Loved ones get snapped at due to my overwhelming pain. They become frustrated when their attempts to help are futile. And they are saddened by the realization that I am subject to the Demon's effects at all times. While these loved ones are compassionate and as understanding as possible, they don't really "get it." And I hope they never do because that would require them to personally endure the wrath of the Demon. I would not wish that hell on my worst enemy.
The Demon is ugly. The Demon is unmerciful. The Demon is a migraine headache.
I am going to pray for you about this. I understand a little bit, as I have these too, though not to the same degree. It is lonely, and people don't understand that it isn't "just a headache." Jesus has a way with "demons." Just sayin. :)
ReplyDelete