Love and Pain

Love is a funny thing. It's usually uncontrollable, as in you love your parents or your children for the simple fact that they are your kin. Falling in love is the same--you don't decide who you are going to fall in love with, it just happens, at least in my experience. Love is also a great thing. It can bring out the best in people, cause them to do things they may have never done otherwise, and allow them to see and experience life in new ways. I love love.

Pain is a funny thing as well (physical pain, specifically). Like love, it is often uncontrollable. You don't choose to have pain just as you don't choose to fall in love. Pain can sometimes be diminished, managed, even cured. But sometimes it can't. Sometimes no matter how much medicine you take or how much therapy you do, the pain is still there. Eventually, and unfortunately, you learn to live with it. I do not like pain.

When pain and love mix, things become...even funnier. Extreme physical pain can cause the emotional feeling of love to take a backseat. It can turn you into a different person entirely, a person you don't recognize and certainly don't like. As the pain takes over, sometimes it takes every ounce of energy to control the anger and resentment you feel for and because of that pain, the pain that never goes away. These feelings blind you to the point that all you see, hear and breathe is pain and they often get physically directed at the one(s) you love the most. While you know the love you feel is still present, it can be very difficult to find amidst the pain. This is not a good feeling. It’s without question that pain does not feel good but feeling as though you can only feel pain is worse. Trust me.

It pains me (pun intended) to know that when I’m in physical pain, I cause emotional pain to those around me. It pains me more to I know there is little I can do to change it. Sometimes the only remedy is a sincere “I’m sorry.”