The Migraine Guilt

I happen to be stuck in a migraine funk right now. This "funk" is a revolving door of pain, sadness, self-pity, depression and guilt. Yes, guilt. Lots of guilt. I know it's not rational but the guilt is overwhelming. I feel guilty for hiding in the dark all day and missing the beautiful weather. I feel guilty for eating a bowl of ice cream for comfort. I feel guilty for breaking plans with friends and family. I feel guilty for something that is beyond my control--not being able to function. And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty!

This migraine (with aura this time) came on around 11 this morning. I immediately took my medicine--it is only effective if taken before the aura is over--then called my uncle to cancel our lunch plans. I found myself apologizing for not being able to meet even though I know he completely understands my situation. I then proceeded to turn off all the lights, close all the blinds and get situated in the recliner with my favorite blanket. Luckily, I was able to fall asleep for about an hour so I missed the bulk of the pain.

I heard my mom come home for lunch and got up to see her sitting on the deck enjoying the sunshine. Back to the dark living room I went, wishing I was able to enjoy the day as she was. A bit later, in an effort to save my evening plans, I took some pain medicine and laid down in the bedroom. There I slept off and on for a couple of hours until my friend called to confirm our plans. As soon as I answered the phone, I could feel the stabbing pain behind my right eye. I was filled with disappointment, both his and mine, for having to cancel. Today is his birthday.

As I think about how today was completely lost, I am filled with frustration. And more guilt. Right now I am bitter that I missed such a nice day, sad that I let down my friend and scared that the headache will still be here tomorrow.