As I'm laying on the couch coming out of what was a very debilitating headache, I'm feeling very guilty, pitiful and sad. I had two doctor's appointments and a pool date with a friend on the agenda for today, all of which had to be canceled. I'm used to feeling guilty when I have to break commitments but that doesn't make it any easier. My friends and family can only take so much disappointment. If I continue to let them down, I'm afraid they will leave. In some ironic way, I also feel guilty for my self-pity. I want to be, need to be, stronger. And then there is the sadness. Knowing that another day of my life has gone by with me stuck on the couch brings tears to my eyes.
I've always tried to believe that God doesn't give anyone more than they can handle. My brother, my mom and a friend with a...complicated...baby are a testament to that notion. Their strength and resilience are amazing. In no way does my struggle compare to what they are dealing with, or have been dealing with for 25 years. Why then, am I feeling as though my situation is more than I can bear? Why do I feel like I have run out of energy to continue to the fight? Why does it seem that God has given me too much?
I truly am at a loss as to what to do now. Just thinking of all the time and energy I've put in to this "getting better" mission is exhausting enough. Finding the strength to keep going seems impossible. How am I supposed to go to therapy and doctor's appointments if I can't even get out of bed? How can I get better if I can't physically do the things that are supposed to help? I'm confused by this conundrum. Why has God shown me the tools but put them just out of my reach? What am I doing wrong?
sending you love jess, don't lose faith, remember all the things you do right and that your friends and family and jason love you no matter what .. more than you can imagine!
ReplyDeleteAh, the age old "God never gives you more than you can handle." I struggle with that saying daily. While some days are good, there are some that are very very bad. Of course I am preaching to the choir aren't I? I have no profound advice; I have no words of wisdom. As the mother of the.... baby, I seek God for my wisdom and I dive into my day, every day, with the notion that I will fight. You aren't doing anything wrong and the ways you are feeling are not wrong. You CANNOT let your struggle, while constant, take control. When you want to give up, you cannot. But when you want to cry, you can. We must terry on or we let the struggle win.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, Jess. I know I don't fully understand what you are going through, but I do care about the pain you are in. And so does our God. I never fully understand His ways! But, "though He slay me, still will I trust Him." Job 13:15
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs,
Cindy