Whadaya Want From Me?!

That's exactly what my doctor asked me today. And not in a how-can-I-make-your-day better tone. It was much more condescending and had a very large hint of how-could-you-even-be-asking-me-that. Coming from a doctor that treats headaches and has been my headache doctor for a year and a half, I was very put off. I almost cried...but didn't.

I literally put in hours of preparation before I go to any doctor appointment in order to organize what has taken place since I last saw that particular doctor. It also allows me to sum up the really important stuff since, in my experience, most of them don't have (or take) the time to read all the information they request from the other doctors. Information that I have to pay (yes, pay money!) to have transfered. I keep a very detailed diary with all sorts of symbols, notations and highlights that describes just about everything I do, feel and think every day. Today I spent over an hour working on a time line of events, all taken from the diary, which included when I started or stopped medicines, when certain symptoms came or went and when I noticed any major medical changes. My effort was recipricated with questions like "how do you know this is happening?" and "why are you concerned about this?" Really?!

Anyway, what I want from you, Mr. Doctor, is compassion for a patient that has been struggling as long as I have. I want you to acknowledge that what I'm experiencing is real and that there is a reason behind it. If necessary, I want you to admit that you may not know what that reason is. I want honesty--if you can't treat me any longer, please say so and refer me to someone else. I want professional treatment, the same treatment you would (hopefully) give any other patient. I want to know that there are other avenues I can explore. I want the reassurance that I am not a lost cause. Mostly, I want a little bit of hope.